Product Woes

I was innocently strolling through the grocery store, when I was confronted by this most offensive of products:

Several things about this bother me. First, although it is a dairy product, made with "Real Nonfat Milk," it "requires no refrigeration." Secondly, it is shelved with a bunch of other pudding-like substances that are immune to the ravages of nature, apart from other, refrigerated puddings also available in the store. Finally, it is the color of dead grandma's toenails!!! How could someone design a milky, textureless product and endow it with the hue of newspapered-up Silly Putty! And it is a sad thing, indeed, that this ghoulish glop should in any way emulate a blueberry muffin.

Now onto something much more pleasing. Yes, it's the saucy, sassy, swarthy men of pre-modern Europe!

This Roman charmer strikes a cool pose; who says a manly man can't pull off an oh-so-draped garment - this toga means business!

And for that suave Anglo-Saxon in your life, check out this snappy cloak - just what a man needs when he's ready to say "come and get it!"

And finally, let's not forget that pouty Norman we all know; he feels good in his tunic, but was the dalmatic a mistake? Maybe he needs YOU to help him decide...

Holy Colorful Trinity

Color sometimes shows up in surprising places.

I love the fact that these things are readily available - they look like what janitors should use in Clownland, but no, they use them here!


This next picture was taken on a Shoreline East train - and something about the color choice and the angular handhold screams late 80's to me:

It brings to mind this:
 

and this:
 

For a look that takes us further back in time, here's some food-coloring packaging that I found at the grocery store:

It makes me think of that moment in the 70's when everything "yellowed out." This includes toys:

movies:

Sissy Spacek in Robert Altman's 3 Women (1977)

and album covers:

(1970)

Sad Sweets

"Edible arrangements" is a company that cuts fruit out in the shape of flowers, jabs it on a stick, and makes items like this:

There's something infantilizing about this, as if fruit is too daunting on its own and needs to be presented in a more comforting and whimsical form. Just the way mom stamped your Fluff n' 'Nutter sandwiches into hearts and stars!

Now they've gone too far. Apparently, this is now available:

and this!:

Maybe I'm wrong, but it's hard for me to picture the average Harley-rider or Nascar enthusiast noshing on ridge-cut melon and dainty orange slices.

Here's another commercial treat:

These pasty beauties are "SNUTS," sugar-coated nuts, of course. They're fun!

This feels like a real crisis in imagination. I suppose that one could do wonderful things with sugar and nuts, but in this case, it seems like both items have been left in a more-or-less elemental state. Whoever came up with the name realized this and just gave up. It never got farther than "SNUTS."

On a sweeter note, here's an adorable chaser:

I love the way the bunny is sexed up ever-so-slightly, and still retains her goofy bow!

Maul Rats

What could this be?

Why, nothing other than elaborated "car perfume" vials what for to scent your vehicle:

 True modern reliquaries are these, crafted to suit the needs of all faiths and persuasions:

  

 

 Elsewhere in the mall:

These really need no comment, although they put me in the mind of this:

and, this:

 

Black Jack

There are several things I like about this product:

1)It presents a helpful visual to supplement its name, "BLACK JACK"

2)It is clear and up front about its intended use, for "CRAWLING INSECTS"

3)It features a mustachioed, bell-bottomed, Hausfrau, who is appears to be quite content while exterminating "FLEAS, ROACHES, ANTS"

Mad Meh

How is it that cigarette ads look both dated and timeness - as if they fell out of line with rest pop culture 40 years ago and have been left to their own devices ever since? The font that spells out "pleasure" in this ad feels very 'seventies to me, as do the repeated horizontal lines on the cigarette package; they must pick up on some reference to Minimalism, many times removed. I like to think that these are attempts to evoke some kind of "pleasure" that is a bit too seedy for modern tastes - that retains the smoked and oversmoked pungency of so many motel room curtains. The lurid orange and green colors certainly contribute to this - and when do we ever see a color combination like that anyway - except on ads for casinos or lottery tickets? This ad doesn't make me want to smoke, although it does make me long for the nostalgia that apparently goes along with it. 

Something wicked this way came...

A friend of mine received this in the mail yesterday:

My friend is much younger than the lovely ladies pictured here - but then, I suppose one is never to young to receive a special note from the "Carolina Vein Center." 

And is "winterize" a technical term? Google would suggest not, but apparently people really do have vein treatments in the winter - all the better to "Spring out later!"  DO NOT LET SPIDER VEINS PROGRESS!  love, Carolina

"The House Book," or, "The Greatest Book of All"

The House Book, first published in 1974, has much to teach us about the ways and wherefores of the nineteen-seventies.

The proud people of this era loved texture:

and plenty of it:

 "Fun with nomads" was real and viable decorating option:

And intimacy with the natural world was expressed in complex and varied ways:

Stripes were a very popular motif:

And, well-dressed children standing in doorways hadn't yet acquired the stigma that they received in Stanley Kubrick's The Shining:

Other hallmarks of this innocent time include an oh-so-open attitude towards nudity,

plenty of opportunities for convivial lounging,

and well constructed venues for pursuing other modern amusements:

In praise of workout videos

Kathy Smith's "Weight Loss Workout" reminds us just how unattractive 1991 could be:

The hair-sprayed bangs, fuchsia turtle-necked leotard, and frosty highlights are all there - it feels like Jazzercise all over again. But with musical hits like '"Casablanca" Concerto for a Sweaty Day'

 

and moves so awkward that they could only be "fitness" and not fun, 

the happy workouteer cannot help but succumb to some early 90's wacketry. This includes a "fifties"-themed segment:

and a nutritional plan:

Kathy informs us, in a serious (worthy of an after school special) moment, that we should eat the most servings from the top two categories. Somehow, this has me picturing endless bowls of Special K Red Berries. After all "the prize inside is you."